Can Your Partnership Sustain The Call Of Your Soul?

Mary, a woman in her 40’s, put aside her dreams of doing humanitarian work to be a wife and raise children in a stable, family home. Now at 46, with her youngest child in college, she began to feel a pull to give back to the world. Over time as she sat with these feelings, she realized she wanted to be a missionary in Ghana. She was moving into the phase of personal development where she wanted to discover herself, expand, go and reach out to the third world.

At the same time, her husband Bob turned 50. He felt he wanted to enjoy this time in his life by being home with Mary. He looked forward to the freedom of working and being at home, as most of his adult life he had traveled extensively for work. In his phase of personal development, he was ready to nurture and be a full, intimate partner-the very thing they had talked about all these years. Now, he did not need to be on the road for his work.

She saw that the children were grown now so she could have her freedom and follow her ‘dream’. From his vantage point, he said that now that the children were grown, it was time for them to be together. She said, “I’ve stayed home, I can’t do it anymore.” Now, he was ready to slow down and settle in their “nest”.

They felt the tension of their different wants and knew they did not want their struggle to poise a threat of divorce. In counseling, they felt their commitment to their marriage covenant and affirmed their love and respect for each other. They were surprised at the intensity of their present struggle and feared what it was bringing to the surface. We shared with them about the phases of the couples’ developmental journey and they began to understand where they were at individually in their own personal growth. As a couple, they looked and explored deeply within themselves the deeper purpose of what they were experiencing as a couple.

As a couple, they completed the first stage of development of their ‘Couple Identity’. Individually, she had fulfilled her part in the first phase of development (staying at home and nurturing the children) and now her soul was calling her back to her original love – to serve in a third world country. The call had become so compelling that as their youngest child was close to graduating from college, she felt a strong pull to discover its deeper purpose for her and for them together. It was equally important that their marriage partnership be sustained in following her call. Can her husband and their marriage take the risk for this discovery? How will their marriage develop if she did not follow this compelling call of her soul?

Individually, he too had fulfilled his career goals and experienced the support and autonomy provided by marriage. He had been questioning his dreams when a close call with a crisis at work made him evaluate what truly mattered. He wanted to be more connected and available to the love of his life and to his family.

Herein was their paradox. If he stopped her from being a missionary in Ghana and if she chastised him for finally wanting the togetherness she begged of him, they would co-create a polarization that would have wreak havoc in their marriage. This, they were very clear, they did not want.

The alternative was to consciously work out this phase in their couple’s soul development. They utilized a process of dialogue to delve into the heart, soul, fears, regrets and beliefs this phase of development brought to them.

So when they came to co-create their ‘growth agreement’ (as they called it) and realized what their experiment of separateness would mean, the paradox of their intimacy brought them energy and excitement. Their marriage was both strengthened and deepened. They also saw themselves individually living a purposeful life. They gave themselves a time frame of two years and three, six month intervals to check in with each other. She would fulfill her humanitarian goals in Ghana and he would take care of their home while fulfilling his passion for solar engineering research. Their friends and family expressed concern for their ‘complete flip-flop’ of roles and the long distance arrangement of their marriage. They both knew the depth, strength and risk of their courageous experiment.

It enriched them. They found ways to connect intimately using technologies that were available. While they shared their different worlds: her experiences living with, ministering to and learning from the natives, his growing appreciation of time with their children, their home and his research; they were amazed at their deepened love, passion for life, their differentiation and connection. Their inner world expanded.

They also knew many couples who would have divorced over this and would not have been able to tolerate the physical distance and the ‘dangers’ separation would pose.

A few times while she was traveling, her husband would come to us distraught and shaking because he hadn’t heard from his wife for awhile. We would reinforce for him how strong their connection was even when she was in a far away place. We would pray with him to help him radiate his love to her. During one session he got his confirmation. She called him on his cell phone to tell him that she was safe, happy and glad that she was finally able to find a way to reach him from the remote area where she was located. He expressed his worry and needed reassurance that she was safe. He felt their soulful connection as she expressed how she thought about him and wrote to him in her journals. They both talked of their plans to rendezvous as she invited him to visit Africa, if he was willing to visit.

That event, triggered for him, the fear of a final separation. “What if she never called? What if she is harmed and unsafe?” Such questions brought him to the depths of his soul journey and his love. “You know, I pray daily when I am fearful…that is what keeps me sane and in the present moment.”

After her two years of travel and humanitarian work and two visits, one of which was a difficult one, she returned home and they reunited. From the time they spent developing themselves, they realized together that they wanted to co-create their home in a community where people could live simply, consciously and purposefully. She contributed the knowledge and experience she gained in Ghana to this community and he brought all that he had developed in himself from studying solar energy and self-sustainable models.

As a couple, they exemplify how their loving included both of them authentically following the calling of their soul. They were willing to take risks and follow their souls’ call (one by going to Ghana and the other by staying home). They were able to trust each other to co-create an agreement and a process that no matter how uncomfortable or non-traditional it was, they had faith in their Highest Good and respect of their Higher Purpose individually and as a couple.

Please share with us how you are experiencing negotiating your soul call and your commitment to your intimate relationship!

Instead of Fighting, Fill Your Holidays with Non-Tangible Gifts

Couple’s fight like anything when the holidays approach about totally mundane issues, like how the toilet paper is rolled, who should take out the trash, whether the lights are turned on or off, etc. It’s not the big stuff they are fighting about, but small stuff. Their fights escalate because they don’t understand the undercurrents, pressure and stress they are dealing with.

It is such a paradox and we love helping couples move through their struggle into shedding the light.

Many couples can’t figure out why they keep fighting about the small stuff and why they make such a big deal about it. What they can’t see is that there are pressing expectations behind the small fights, needs that are not being met. Many couples are so focused on buying tangible gifts for each other that they forget that giving intangible gifts can be the richest, most cherished gifts given and received!

Here’s some ways you can begin to diffuse the energy when you are fighting so you can actually feel and experience the generosity of the season!

Tips for Holiday Giving:
When you are fighting breathe and slow down. This is how you begin to become attentive to what is behind the fight, the story and the tension.
Ask your partner, “I am interested in knowing why it matters to you that ____________ (i.e. I turn off the lights, I do the dishes that way, I leave the keys in your shoes etc)? Tell me your story.”
Begin to get curious about your partners perspective and be attentive.
Dialogue and discover the intangible gifts you both really desire and be willing to give and receive them.
Acknowledge when you have given your partner a gift and they’ve given to you. Notice the difference between offering it as gift verses meeting an expectation.
Remember you’ll need to continue to communicate your perspective and desires to your partner. Your partner will probably not remember what you’ve asked for. Gifts are requested and given in the present. Unarticulated expectations become the trigger for a fight.
Acknowledge the gift you’ve both given to your partner and the one you have received.
Broadcast with enthusiasm “I just gave you a gift, did you notice my gift? I just turned off the lights because I know it matters to you. Wow, right now, I gave you my ‘you matter to me’ gift.” Make it a big deal. Make the energy of your gifting bigger than the energy you put into your fight – make receiving of the gift broad and bigger than the energy you put into the fight. Celebrate giving and receiving your intangible gifts. Celebrate yourselves. Choose your intangible inner joy!
What Are Some Intangible Gifts You Can Give Your Loved One?
A week of neck and/or back rubs.
Cleaning up the kitchen.
Shampooing the carpet.
Taking out the trash.
Breakfast in bed
A poem, song, art work, and a collection of jokes you put together
Preparing their special dish or dessert

When are fighting with your loved one, we encourage you to look underneath the small stuff, attend and discover what you truly want to give, receive and share with each other.


Feel free to share here by posting your comment of some of the intangible gifts that you’d like to give the one you love.