Couple’s fight like anything when the holidays approach about totally mundane issues, like how the toilet paper is rolled, who should take out the trash, whether the lights are turned on or off, etc. It’s not the big stuff they are fighting about, but small stuff. Their fights escalate because they don’t understand the undercurrents, pressure and stress they are dealing with.
It is such a paradox and we love helping couples move through their struggle into shedding the light.
Many couples can’t figure out why they keep fighting about the small stuff and why they make such a big deal about it. What they can’t see is that there are pressing expectations behind the small fights, needs that are not being met. Many couples are so focused on buying tangible gifts for each other that they forget that giving intangible gifts can be the richest, most cherished gifts given and received!
Here’s some ways you can begin to diffuse the energy when you are fighting so you can actually feel and experience the generosity of the season!
Tips for Holiday Giving:
When you are fighting breathe and slow down. This is how you begin to become attentive to what is behind the fight, the story and the tension.
Ask your partner, “I am interested in knowing why it matters to you that ____________ (i.e. I turn off the lights, I do the dishes that way, I leave the keys in your shoes etc)? Tell me your story.”
Begin to get curious about your partners perspective and be attentive.
Dialogue and discover the intangible gifts you both really desire and be willing to give and receive them.
Acknowledge when you have given your partner a gift and they’ve given to you. Notice the difference between offering it as gift verses meeting an expectation.
Remember you’ll need to continue to communicate your perspective and desires to your partner. Your partner will probably not remember what you’ve asked for. Gifts are requested and given in the present. Unarticulated expectations become the trigger for a fight.
Acknowledge the gift you’ve both given to your partner and the one you have received.
Broadcast with enthusiasm “I just gave you a gift, did you notice my gift? I just turned off the lights because I know it matters to you. Wow, right now, I gave you my ‘you matter to me’ gift.” Make it a big deal. Make the energy of your gifting bigger than the energy you put into your fight – make receiving of the gift broad and bigger than the energy you put into the fight. Celebrate giving and receiving your intangible gifts. Celebrate yourselves. Choose your intangible inner joy!
What Are Some Intangible Gifts You Can Give Your Loved One?
A week of neck and/or back rubs.
Cleaning up the kitchen.
Shampooing the carpet.
Taking out the trash.
Breakfast in bed
A poem, song, art work, and a collection of jokes you put together
Preparing their special dish or dessert
When are fighting with your loved one, we encourage you to look underneath the small stuff, attend and discover what you truly want to give, receive and share with each other.
Feel free to share here by posting your comment of some of the intangible gifts that you’d like to give the one you love.
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