Monday, October 5, 2009

It Is All About Shifting Perspectives

Overcoming Chaos, Differing Perspectives:
Shifting to see the Bigger Picture

We’ve been talking a lot about the importance of being able to shift perspectives and that when people can do this in their relationships, it really helps everyone feel valued.
We wanted to share a few of these thoughts with you as we are writing The Ten Pathways Of Healing Love and focusing on the importance of the pathway of Integration.

What does shifting perspective have to do with overcoming chaos and coming to an integration of a bigger picture, anyways. We’ll get to that, we promise!

Here are some of our recent thoughts (and perspectives) on shifting perspectives!

#1. Lalei’s Thoughts and Perspectives on Shifting Perspectives

I’ve always had ways to shift my perspective- to manage the chaos that can occur. I can remember from the age of four years old, I would always “go up”:

When it was chaotic in the house I would climb a tree, watching from the very top everything that was going on down below me. I felt on top of things.
When life would be difficult between my parents, my night dreams were always about flying to the mountains tops seeing the world below, going with the angels out in space to see things, to understand and to find a different way to see. Having conversations with my imaginary angel friend helped me see ways to make sense of my earlier world.
I used to be chastised by teachers for daydreaming or moving too much. In school to manage my boredom in the classroom, I’d be in my seat and found myself being like a helicopter watching the movements in the room from above.

I loved that I could shift my perspective, as it was a game I played by myself. As a child, I thought other people knew how to do this as well and was their secret. I didn’t realize that what I could do was unique. The benefit was my family would wonder where I got my ideas or insights as they would feel in some weird way seen and understood by me.
This skill in the rough in childhood became developed in my use of self as a facilitator of human relations. It came in handy when doing therapy, coaching or in facilitating a group. I had a way of beaming up from the middle of a conflict to see the "dance" of the conflict, and simply watch from varying perspectives. Then I would offer the process I observed.

This is why I can work with couples that are fighting or arguing their point of view. I would observe and listen beyond the words from many vantage points: go up, down, under and 360 degrees around without necessarily leaving my chair or place in the room. I could see where each one was coming from.

#2. Shifting perspectives, from the perspective of Phil…

I grew up in a farm with a beautiful, tranquil and special river. As a child, I loved going to “my river.” My river was a place of solitude, a place where I got in touch with my creativity, and was, at the same time, a place of joy that I frequented to shift my experiences of growing pains that at that times were overwhelming. My river was a place to rest, to recharge my batteries, and to soak up the refreshing feelings that bathed me in order to continue with life.

I would have conversations with “my river.” I would swim alone, or sometimes together with my childhood friends, communing with fishes, birds and animals around this extraordinary place. I would talk to my animal friends. “My river” was a place that I laughed so hard my stomach would ache. In the solitude with my river, I loved creating in my head “cognitive life theories”, puns and jokes.

My river was a pristine place that gave me inspiration to decode the unique spiritual or a few times, ironic messages to see life as a cosmic joke that the universe plays on humans.

I used to be seen as a jokester growing up- one who loved making people laugh. I still do. As a coach, I facilitate people’s ability to see out of the box, as well as not to be too seriously stuck in the box they are in. I notice that when people can laugh appropriately, they can see with humor thus helping them shift their perspective.

“My river” helped me to overcome my growing pains and adversities. It is still true today because I can always “return” to my “inner river” whenever I want or need to. Because of my childhood experiences, “my river” gave me special and unique signature skills as a therapist, coach, consultant, speaker and educator.

From these two very distinct childhood experiences and how we cultivated our early skills to be strengths, you can imagine some of the challenges we encountered learning to work together as a couple! It has taken us time, patience and painful encounters to work smoothly together.

One of the fundamental things we had to learn was how to shift our perspectives so that we could integrate as a couple.

Our dynamics can be quite funny! Lalei had to learn to come down to the river and laugh while swimming in the mud. Phil had to learn to ride the helicopter -- to see and feel the landscape from above.

Many times we wondered how we were ever going to survive navigating the tremulous, rough waves of the river of our relationship, wondering when the helicopter would arrive because we could not see through the thick fog.

By learning to appreciate our unique experiences and skills of overcoming adversities from our early lives, the metaphor of the union of the helicopter and the river perspectives joining together actually brought us miraculous experiences that we would not have discovered without the other.

Why does this matter?

Life and relationships are complex. Each person brings with them their childhood survival kits that forms and influences their unique perspective of the world. These perspectives profoundly impact their beliefs, values, approaches, styles, timing, rhythms and way of being in relationship in the world.

Through our life experiences we create our sense of:
  • who we are,
  • how we live,
  • our worthiness,
  • security,
  • belonging and
  • our standards for living
  • meaning and
  • what we value.

We have found in our own journey as a couple how respecting and honoring each other’s perspective and differences in our personal relationship has become a remarkably useful skill when we are coaching couples. Our clientele learns how to expand and shift their perspectives, as well as, how to appreciate their differences and gifts. When this happens, relationships become a rich ground for growth and transformation. This generates and co-creates a profound healing love and a conscious healing love partnership.

Over the past few years, our work has taken on a fascinating spin as humanity’s consciousness is expanding. As a relationship coach team, we also help couple’s discover the higher purpose of their relationship, offering them ways to discover a more integrated process on their love life’s journey.

What does this mean?

Fully engaging in a significant couple’s relationship is the hardest task our human spirit desires. It brings us to the heights and depths of joy and suffering. It stretches us to our limits and causes us to discover parts of ourselves that we never thought we possessed. It humbles us with our imperfections and magnifies our struggles. It highlights our difference, both to our surprise and chagrin. It brings us a multitude of emotions - many of which are inexpressible. It can be a haven from the adversities of living or a place of adverse living.

This relationship is a rich, microcosmic ground from which the dramas of history, tradition, politics, adversities and cultures get replayed. These dramas have a life of their own, where unconscious wounding is passed through our generations, societies, and cultures.

Why does it matter?

We believe it all deeply matters and are so glad to be part of supporting humanity in this time to discover new possibilities and solutions! Join us for in our next post where we’ll talk about what really matters…

We would love to hear about how you shift your perspective in the midst of conflict. Or maybe this post helped you shift some perspectives you have on your relationship. Please let us know by commenting below.


With Love and Gratitude,

Lalei and Phil

Join us at http://www.phillalei.com/ to discover pathways of nurturing support and guidance to help you move upon your own journey of healing love.

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